It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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