I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
not ubering you a puppy
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
