How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
