Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am puke
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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