So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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