did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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