she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
