Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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