I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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