I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't turn off my feet"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
