if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
