i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
