Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
