just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
