I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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