finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
being pregnant is like rehab
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize