Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
