sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
