Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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