I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
