if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
