I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
