Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
