Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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