She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My legs feel like baby dolphins
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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