i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
