im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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