you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
