Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
