I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
