I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just had sex on a roof
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize