I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
