You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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