I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
