glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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