I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you traded sex for a burrito?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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