imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My ATM looks so different sober.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
