You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Too much gin, very little bucket
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
