My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
