U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize