I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
