So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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