Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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