Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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