My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
