Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize