What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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