I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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