Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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