I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
the raccoons are back...
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