i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
