i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
