My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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