When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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