You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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