4 words: hood of his car
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
