totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
